Realizations.

So this post is more for me to get the things that have been on my mind lately OUT of my mind and onto something concrete. Like this blog. No updates on the internship then what's going on with my heart these days.

Realizations for the Week (thus far):

- I am probably the only one in the program who didn't come into the program with a direct interest/connection to the health/medical field. I do, though, believe that with the organizing experience I have with working with youth of color pertaining to access into higher education, "health" has a politics about it that extends beyond hospital talk. Health embodies all aspects of our daily living, and advocating for educational equity for youth of color is no exception, so with that said, I am thankful that being a part of the Pipeline program is helping me to reflect and grapple with the intersections of my role in all of this.

- I didn't know much about what I wanted to do with my immediate life post-grad, but I did know one thing: I have no intention on applying for grad school any time soon.

Okay. Getting a bit vulnerable here. Here goes:

I burned out during my 4 years at UCSC: between classes that steadily became more rigorous each year and the immense organizing I did on campus, I fell in and out of poor health and lack of attention to the need for "Me Time" and self-care. Oh yeah. And then there was family, church, money problems, internal conflicts, ex-lovers, and counseling appointments that were supposed to relieve it all.

Or... how about the AUDACITY I have to be a 1st generation/working class/student of color at a 4-year university? (I hope you caught the sarcasm in that one).

Sarcasm not included in this one: 1st generation/Working Class/Students of Color everywhere STAND UP: we didn't need a Sociology class to teach us that the University wasn't made with us in mind. For most of us, college in itself is a constant reminder that we don't belong here. We are all products of our environments, so when our environment is run by a system that sets our kids up for failure, prison, violence and the military, how do the few of us who slip through the cracks and into the +400 seated lectures halls on a campus that seems light years away from home go BACK home after graduating (hopefully) from one of the hardest uphill battles yet....and look our family in the eyes, and tell them that in all that remains in us...after 4 years of fresh wounds and new skin...that we are confident that we have what it takes to do it all over again in grad school?

I don't want easy. I just wanted a break from school.

"Wanted". Past tense. As in: I don't want that anymore.

From the moment the orientation ended, I had somewhat of an epiphany. In actuality, it was closer to a really big realization. Nevertheless, it was something that I've never felt until I started the Pipeline program. Something that never hit me this hard during my 4 years at UCSC. Something that was never apparent during any of the arguments I ever had with my parents about what my future goals are after I graduate: that amidst every hardship I endured in college...amidst everything I've shared mere lines ago in earlier paragraphs of this post...I am accountable to myself and to the family and community that I've carried with me all the way to that graduation stage on June 13, 2010 when I say that everything about my college experience was worth it in the end. That the beauty really was in the struggle. And with the help of everything I'm soaking in from this experience with the Pipeline program, there's really no room to slow down now.


Extremely long background story short: I'm in the process of looking into different programs up and down California. I'm going to apply for grad school.

I feel like a 18 year old high school senior all over again.


Cheers,
Risa